With only a few hours left until we turn the page on another year, I find myself reflecting on my journey through the year that was 2015! A year that I knew right upfront would be about personal healing – I just didn’t realise how much healing, or that my entire life was to become so completely transformed over the next 365 days!
If 2015 was to be a “Year of Healing”, it was because 2014 had been the “Year of Horror” – the worst kind of pain and anguish you could possibly imagine! It was without a doubt, the SHITTIEST year of my life (bold, capital, underlined) – and one that I would not wish on another person – ever!
Over the space of just 10 months my husband and I sold our home on the Central Coast of 10 years to move back to Sydney and start a fresh new chapter in our lives. One that would bring us nearer to our children and long-term friends, our business, and an opportunity to start over! We sold our beautiful home and moved into a rented house while we decided where we wanted to live and what worked best for us.
Only a few months into our “new life” my youngest son started experiencing some difficulties with his health. He lived in Brisbane and was a Medic in the Army, and suddenly I found myself stressing about what was happening with him and making trips back and forth between Brisbane and Sydney. In June, one of our fur babies (dogs) became seriously ill and sadly died suddenly. If you have a fur child yourself, you probably understand the grief we experienced losing our Ralphy! Only 3 days after losing Ralph the owner of the house we were renting told us she was moving back into “our” house and we had to move out – thus began the house hunting, packing and moving AGAIN!
Meanwhile…up in Brisbane, things were getting worse by the day with my son and by early July I was up there again begging his commanding officer to give him leave so I could bring him home for a break! Alex and I drove the 1000km back to Sydney and we had 1 glorious week with him at home before having to do the 1000km drive back to Brisbane again, only to have to leave him there – still unwell, still unable to cope with what was going on, and with no family there to support him! Over the next 6 weeks things began to seriously escalate until on 8th September, my baby boy was found in his bed – dead, at the age of only 23…and only 4 weeks before my eldest son’s wedding at which Alex was to be Best Man!
During this time there were plenty of “F**k You God”‘s coming out of my mouth! He made sure that 2014 SUCKED – and it sucked BIG TIME!
All of which brings us to 2015! As the clock struck midnight on 31st December 2014 I was surrounded by my husband, closest friend and a bunch of people I have known for a lot of years – all of whom helped me cross the threshold into the new year! It was a tough night for me, as I felt I was leaving Alex (and Ralph) behind – in another year, another era – committing them to the history books! When Auld Lang Syne came on, I was a tearful, blubbering mess looking up at the stars and wishing my two beautiful boys farewell as I was dragged into 2015 – kicking, screaming and crying all the way!
I had known for a few weeks just how bad things had become – my whole world had blown apart before my very eyes, and I was depressed and scared and angry and struggling to find my way out of the grief and agony and despair!
In the week between Christmas and New Year I had started re-visiting some of my old spiritual beliefs and practices, as well as looking for new information, thoughts and concepts that I could implement into my new reality.
Little by little I began to piece together a plan! A plan to start my year of recovery and healing, and to try to learn whatever the hell lessons the Universe was so adamant I learn out of all the shitty stuff it had served up the year before.
I”d had huge business dreams for 2015 – for both my dance/fitness studios and my coaching and blogging business, but if I was honest with myself, I was in no fit state to run a business, let alone get excited and grow 2 businesses! Instead, I felt guided to turn inwards, to make self care a priority, to face up to my frustrations, fears, failures – and to deal with the grief and anger –and I made the difficult and radical decision to take a step back. To take a back seat in the dance/fitness business and take some time out from coaching and blogging.
Throughout 2015 there have been some gaps in my business life. There have been gaps in my personal life, and there have been many, many lessons learned!
As Pema Chodron says “Nothing goes away until it teaches us what we need to know”
As we approach midnight I look back, reflect and see how far I’ve come, how much I have learned about myself – those fears, failures and frustrations. I have “let go” of almost everything…certainly all that no longer served me. People, places, feelings, fears, belongings and tons of emotional baggage! I have surrendered and I have been on my knees praying to the Universe, Spirit, my Guides and the Angels – anyone who would listen – and the answers finally came, slowly but surely. The lessons were learned (although I’m sure there are more lessons to come in the future).
As we approach midnight, I give thanks to all the people who have blessed my life over the years. I give thanks to them and to the Universe for the lessons and experiences that have been bestowed upon me – the good, the bad AND the ugly. I give thanks for the transformation that I have experienced, and I give thanks for surviving and graduating from the “school of hard knocks” (with fucking honours)!
As I write this final paragraph I look at the clock. It is almost 6pm, and in 6 hours the clock will strike midnight and I will close the book on 2015, and open the new one for 2016. It’s pages are blank, and from tomorrow I will start writing a new story….and man – what a story it’s going to be!
Much love and blessings to you all for the new year!
<3 Cherene x